


Equius Zahhak User's Manual

by achromaticBibliophile



Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [17]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Typical Shenanigans, Depression, Mentions of Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:53:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25310419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achromaticBibliophile/pseuds/achromaticBibliophile
Summary: We interrupt your regularly scheduled reading to drop the latest info from WHAT PUMPKIN, hot off the presses and still got that wet ink feel. Okay that’s a lie, no way the heat and wetness would last shipping and the ink’s got to dry normally unless you want a smeared lump of paper dropped on your door. But you get it. Now, this should be an old, battered, well worn hat to you by now, but if not, then congratulations on receiving the latest in our HOMESTUCK UNIT line, based off the wonderful, hysterical, and insane characters from our iconic WEBCOMIC. Now, if you’re a fan of gross, sweaty muscles, elaborately constructive murderbots, and ramblings of horses, then we’re happy to introduce you to EQUIUS ZAHHAK, HEIR OF VOID and a complicated, but ultimately well meaning dude. If you’re not Emma and are not interested in this guy at all, tough luck you ordered him, you got him and it’s your responsibility to make sure he acclimates well to his new environment.  As such, this handy dandy manual will help you with all the ins and outs of Eq and hopefully allow you to befriend our sweaty bro with ease.
Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610812
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	Equius Zahhak User's Manual

**Equius Zahhak User’s Manual**

We interrupt your regularly scheduled reading to drop the latest info from WHAT PUMPKIN, hot off the presses and still got that wet ink feel. Okay that’s a lie, no way the heat and wetness would last shipping and the ink’s got to dry normally unless you want a smeared lump of paper dropped on your door. But you get it. Now, this should be an old, battered, well worn hat to you by now, but if not, then congratulations on receiving the latest in our HOMESTUCK UNIT line, based off the wonderful, hysterical, and insane characters from our iconic WEBCOMIC. Now, if you’re a fan of gross, sweaty muscles, elaborately constructive murderbots, and ramblings of horses, then we’re happy to introduce you to EQUIUS ZAHHAK, HEIR OF VOID and a complicated, but ultimately well meaning dude. If you’re not Emma and are not interested in this guy at all, tough luck you ordered him, you got him and it’s your responsibility to make sure he acclimates well to his new environment. As such, this handy dandy manual will help you with all the ins and outs of Eq and hopefully allow you to befriend our sweaty bro with ease.

**Legal Asscovering Agenda**  
So, just to lay down the ground rules and answer any moral/ethical questions one might have, all HOMESTUCK UNITS are homegrown, ecto-biology created individuals all capable of rational thought, expression of self and existence, and personality. No humans, animals, insects, plants, aliens, etc. were harmed in the making of these individuals and no mindscrewing of innocent individuals like a cheap sci-fi series occurred either. Not only do our units look like their comic counterparts, but they think and act like them as well! How we achieved this is waaay too technical and complex and frankly boring to describe so I’m just gonna say this: We did it, there was green slime involved, and now we have these guys. Look you can prostrate in front of us and weep tears of joy later, right now I have a manual to monologue while the fresh meat-I mean newest employee {I can see you rolling your eyes Emma} faithfully transcribes my words for your reading pleasure.  
So.  
This however doesn’t mean that your unit might not have a negative reaction to learning that they were created with the sole purpose of replicating their fictional persona from a webcomic {Last time we tried to explain the situation to a prototype...eh, that’s not important and nobody died so it’s fine. Yes Emma, I know our lab got wrecked and you were terrified, so were half of the other guys}. So when the time comes to have the sit down to explain the birds, bees, and ecto-biology machines to them, be patient, kind, and preferably in a situation where physical harm isn’t a concern.  
I gotta ask if anyone is actually reading this anymore. Emma’s basically just copying and pasting this chunk of text every time she can.  
So yeah, back to the moral stuff so our lawyers are happy with us. While a majority of our beloved cast are around the 13 YEAR OLD marker, {or 6 SWEEPS OLD in the case of the TROLLS}, WP has taken the liberty to adjust the UNITS ages to a more appropriate and less creepy 21 years {10 SWEEPS}. This is in part due to unfortunate implications and situations that may arise with users interacting with our units, who would have been underaged individuals. Also in part because it is really sketchy when you unbox a literal teenager from our shipping. It’s weird enough doing it to an adult, a kid makes it even more squiwcky. Don’t fret and wail at the thought of your problematic fav no longer being exactly how you envisioned them (they probably don’t as they are anyway), their personalities are unchanged and this age change has been done with both you and the unit’s favor in mind. It also allows the unit to have more freedom in their new life with you, such as driving a car, getting a job, going to Nickel Shot Night, ect. Oh yeah, your UNIT is totally capable of getting a job {Keeping it is another story…} if they so desire and can greatly assist you in the running of your household, but we nor you run slave labor so don’t be an ass. We’ll list out some possibilities for each in case you and your new chum decide to flip through the classifieds or troll around some sites one day.  
Is it that we have a bunch of skippers completely ignoring this part? Skimming over the necessary legal disclosures so our asses are covered.  
And since every single one of those damn shippers want to know, yes your UNIT has fully anatomical parts associated with their species and gender and NO we here at WP are not going to describe the intricacies of TROLL genitalia for you. What’s in their pants is their own business {unless they want to show you}. The normal rules of society still apply: no non-con touching, no groping, and no otherwise inappropriate touching or actions without their explicit consent. {Good luck trying to use coercion on any of them anyway, you HAVE read the webcomic right? These guys can get violent fast and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself}. However, romance waits for neither man nor troll and our UNITS are fully capable of developing feelings for others, whether it’s another UNIT, the people around them, and even you. {Another reason for the age up too}. They can be romanced if you so desire but we recommend that you wait on this until they learn the whole “You’re fictional constructs from a webcomic given life, blah blah blah” since that can be a breach of trust and lead to relationship issues galore {Jeez Emma this is getting boring can’t we skip to the good stuff? I’m sure the readers are thinking the same thing}.  
Or do your eyes just completely glaze over and retain nothing that’s written here? Like a a student who has completely given up cramming the night before finals, all their hopes and dreams washing away with the apathy of someone with nothing left to lose? Oh yeah, this one last test covers the bulk of my grade and could save my ass in this struggling subject. But why bother anymore? Why run myself ragged and look over this boring portion of text. I guarantee myself this won’t be on the final.  
Good news folks, we’re just about done with all this legal asscovering according to Emma {and for once those were her words not mine!} and we’ll be right on the road shortly! Just remember:  
Spoiler: The final is literally nothing but that section of the textbook you ignored. You spend the next however many hours allotted to you blankly staring at the empty packet before you, sharpened number two pencils unused and gathering cobwebs. The ticking of the clock is agony as with each second you curse you’re foolhardy attitude. You crumple up your packet, toss it into your teacher’s wastepaper basket and vacate the room, ignorant to the shocked whispers of classmates and shouts from the prof. You bury yourself into a hole like a worm and don’t care.  
We here at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any BLOODSHED, MAIMING, MUTILATION, SICK FIRES, CHAOS, and/or SHENANIGANS that may occur with the purchase of our products! As the user of our amazing service, you’re responsible for the CARE, WELLBEING, and SAFETY of your UNIT and any failure to properly tend to them will lead to UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS and even REMOVAL of your UNIT. Any and all DAMAGE that may occur to your, your property, and others will likewise be attributed to you. Now, onto the good shit! Take it away Emma!  
That metaphor got away from me a bit and it’s probably not the same thing as what’s going on here. But don’t come crying to use and attempt to sue because you didn’t read the bolded print above and not take any of this seriously. Maybe we’ll keep adding bonus content in here just so you dudes will hopefully walk away with the legal deets. But yeah for reals. I know you’ve been waiting for this.  
Take this shit away Ems.

**Unit Information**  
Name: Equius Zahhak  
Additionally Answer To: EQ, Equihiss, horse guy, majestic hoofbeast, big guy, sweaty dude, Emma’s most precious boy-GAH! STOP KICKING ME IT’S TRUE. He’s clearly your favorite and I’m questioning if you should be allowed to handle this after all, be real hypocritical of you to show that favoritism after accusing of me with VRISKA SERKET. Hmm?   
I can acknowledge the faults and flaws of an individual, no matter how much I enjoy their character.   
I’ll hold you to that. Now, onto business.  
Species: Troll  
Blood Hue: Indigo {Want details about why this dude is so EQUIUS STRONG END? Check out this section further along!}  
Classpect: Heir of Void {Same old same old drill, scan ahead for Classpect and you should be good to go.}  
Age: 21 years/10 sweeps  
Date of Birth/Hatchday: August 18 {Bad Poetry day for the dude who does some pretty...unusual slam poetry that weirds out even DAVE STRIDER. Enough to knock that cool kid off his cool anyway. But our Leo horse dude is always willing to let loose his own version of sick fires to those that express interest.}  
Trolltag: centaursTesticle [CT] 

**Your Unit comes with the following**  
One set of casual clothes {Shattered sunglasses included of course, complete with computer screens engineered to the material as well.}  
One set of Derse pajamas  
One butler tuxedo {What? The dude’s earned a nice suit, though the dry cleaning bills on this are gonna be steep.}  
One maid dress {Why can’t a man wear a nice dress? Gender roles can take a hike, TROLLS have far more different standards than us and are a matrilineal society besides. Plus it’s a nice MINISTRIFE reference.}  
One yellow husktop {Thankfully reinforced with titanium computer keys, bulletproof glass, and other preventive measures to an overpowered TROLL.}  
One ½ bow {No arrows for this one as Equius is just gonna end up using this particular weapon to club enemies into submission. If he doesn’t just use his own fists. His body is already a dangerous weapon.}  
One %bow {But then again, we can’t resist giving Equius a weapon that’s able to survive his extreme STRENGTH. Or at least, our tech department caved in easily to Emma’s begging, pleading, and puppy eyes. And Hal’s threats. Granted, this one lacks the usual pull string in typical bows, but what are we to resist a pun in relation to typing quirks?}  
One toolbox full of all sorts of gear {It’s chocked full with all the necessary appliances and tech required from common household repairs and enhancements to constructing robots.}  
Assorted metal, gears, and much, much more {All you could need to whip up some robotic prosthetics and full robots to have a proper spar, no holds barred.}  
A stack of fresh, clean towels {Soon to be sweat soaked and dirty, but Equius is pretty good at handling his own laundry so he’ll have them cleaned up in no time.}  
A dozen stress balls {These will probably pop easily, but its the thought that counts with this dude and having a less dangerous option to deal with his stress and anger than clashing with robots will be a lot less of a problem for you too.}

**Unit’s Setting**  
Stern (Default)  
Awkward (Default)   
Inventive/Creative  
Angry  
Lewd  
Depressed (Locked)  
Kind (Locked)

It shouldn’t surprise any of our faithful HOMESTUCK fans that Equius is STERN as all hell. Seriously dude, yank that iron rod from out your butt and loosen up a little. He believes heavily in the hemospectrum of Alternia, as required from one of his blood hue and it greatly impacts the way he views others, being particularly rigid in his beliefs with them. He’s also pretty big on manners and politeness and can get annoyed when others are crass around him, so better be prepared for some lectures on how to improve your foul language. In fact, expect lectures in general from him. Though he does have good intentions in the long run and him trying to educate you is his own form of helping you out, even if he could use a different tone at times.   
Despite the above setting, Equius is known to be AWKWARD around others a lot too. Probably due to communicating with others mainly through chat clients, at least among most of his close contacts and associates, he has a hard time relating to others in a personal sense face-to-face. He’ll frequently sweat when he’s caught up in his nerves and it’ll only increase the tension at times, as do some of his more...unusual comments and tendencies. Equius’s habit of staying silent in the background and watching can probably be attributed to this AWKWARD nature of his, uncertain on how to approach others and feeling that by merely observing he can be considered as part of the group. His immense STRENGTH is also a deterrent for getting too close to others, concerned about accidentally hurting anyone. If you can relate to that feeling of nerves around others, then you’ll be able to help him slowly come out of his shell.  
His INVENTIVE/CREATIVE sides go hand in hand with one another, so we’re lumping them together. Plus we’re trying to keep the paragraphs here to a minimum, so there’s that too. It shouldn’t surprise diehard fans of our WEBCOMIC that Equius is a technical genius, capable of creating various robotic limbs with ease and constructing battle bots in order for him to take his frustrations out on while getting his cardio in. Is it cardio when you’re fighting a deathbot? I’m not an expert in physical fitness so IDK. Anyway, you shouldn’t be surprised to find Equius tinkering over some metal and wires at times, having made a makeshift engineering room for him to pursue his interests. He might even be willing for you to sit in and observe his work, perhaps even making you some of your own robots. His CREATIVE side is also noted, as Equius has a deep interest in the arts, from painting and sculptures to the verbal art of slam poetry. While the former two are mainly just his appreciate to them, it wouldn’t be surprising for him to try his hand at them at some point, trying to be a real Renaissance troll, though their content might be a little unusual. As can be the subjects of his prose and poetry. Expect massive amounts of horse and musclebeast allusions. Still, he’d be appreciative to go out to human art museums to get a feel for our culture’s view of the arts and would be delighted to sign up for some art classes.  
It’s not that hard to make Equius ANGRY, as many of his **Blood Hue** , see below for more details, are easy to anger and stir into a rage. Whether its a growing frustration at a lack of decorum and rudeness, accidentally shattering a glass of milk he was hoping to enjoy, or sheer anger at the actions a person does to someone he cares about, Equius is a bit of a pressure cooker ready to boil over. The good news is you don’t have to worry about him attempting to take his anger out on you, Equius turns his ire solely onto his fighting robots. Although it should be a **WARNING:** for you to steer clear when he gets into one of his death matches with his bots. He will be suitable regretful and horrified if you were to be accidentally caught in the crosshairs of one of his battles and may fall into a bit of a DEPRESSED mood. It is recommended that there are healthier ways for him to handle his anger and you may want to have a sit down with Equius about exploring these new avenues. He will be a bit reluctant and uncertain about it, so perhaps recruit NEPETA LEIJON to convince him to give things like meditation a try. He may even start to enjoy it himself and find a new path to handle his aggression.   
Despite his hardon for rules and decorum, Equius is fairly LEWD himself. I just wanted to call this squiwcky-NO, do not use the boot!  
 _Then stop giving me reason to do so!_  
Ugh, you’re no fun at all. Anyway, due to his firm belief in the hemospectrum, Equius actually gets a bit turned on when his fellow trolls don’t shear to the strict guidelines and expectations it causes him to have. Whether this is a highblood acting abhorrent and crass or a warmer hued individual being refined and collected, it can cause Equius to get a little flustered. He likewise enjoys being ordered around, or even ordering those higher than him around. While its pretty tame a kink to be fair, it can be incredibly uncomfortable to those around him and lead to him entering an AWKWARD state as well. It’s a little harder to notice around humans, as we don’t fit into his culture’s class structure at all, though our lack of understanding of quadrants is likely to get him stirrup-ed. Shit, stirred up I mean. Damn horse puns. Anyways, to deal with this setting, its best to have a talk to him if this nature tends to freak you and others our, and nothing helps calm him down like a towel to cover up his moods.   
As is the norm with those traumatized by the events of the game and own negative backstories, Equius has his own DEPRESSED mode. He’ll be even more secretive and distant than usual, unwilling to interact with most individuals as he broods and regrets. These topics of remorse can range from his failed relationship with ARADIA MEGIDO, to his inability or lack of desire to stop his own death and the role it had to play in the murder of his beloved NEPETA LEIJON, as well as a variety of other subjects. **WARNING:** As we’ve said time and time again, depression is a horrible mental illness and can negatively impact the life and relationships an individual has. In order to show your support for Eq and help him improve, we recommend seeking him out at times. Distance is important yes, but self-isolation doesn’t help mental health at all and even just sitting with him can help relieve the void within. Recruiting NEPETA LEIJON to assist in comforting him will greatly assist, as Equius cares deeply for her and understands she has his best interests at heart. And of course, therapy, while a difficult topic for some to stomach, can do wonders when you’re working with a professional and put in the effort to improve.   
No this might be a bit of a surprise to those who aren’t familiar with the PESTERQUEST route for Equius or his relationship with NEPETA LEIJON, but Equius does have a bit of a KIND side that is rarely shown. It’s most noticeable around his moirail, when he lowers himself to play along to her roleplaying requests and even dons her prized cat hat at times. If you slowly start to befriend him, you’ll notice that he may start to relax around you a bit and lower his boundaries, starting to be protective of you which is one of the easiest example of him caring for you. Eventually, you may even be lucky enough to get an honest to god smile, broken teeth and all.  
 _It is definitely a “When he smiles” moment that first time he gives you an honest grin, free from the awkwardness of his usual clenched teeth wince of a smile._  
Look out everyone, Emma’s partialness is showing. But I do have to admit that underneath all his bluster and obsession with decor, Eq’s a good guy deep down and you’d be lucky to be amongst the few that see the softer side to him. 

**Blood Hue**  
If anyone is familiar with our handy dandy manual, then you should know that the Blood Hue section is used to detail how a TROLL’S biology can be affected by the color of that precious, life giving liquid. We also discuss everything from mental susceptibility to lifespan lengths. If not, consider yourself schooled.  
Now, when it comes to bluebloods, the first thing you should know is that they are STRONG. Like, Hulk levels of strength, without turning green. They’re known as the heavy hitters of TROLLS, making up the majority of the Ruffiannihilator squads, iconic for their physical prowess and pummeling their enemies. And Equius is a cut above the rest even, his STRENGTH all the more exception compared to his brethren. Unfortunately, that means he’s often too powerful in situations that require a delicate touch, leading to many a shattered milk glass or bruises from the gentlest of pats to those he cares about. Even with his concentration, Equius can end up damaging things without meaning to and is thus reluctant for physical touch towards others, not wanting to hurt others.  
Blues are also noted as to having more aggressive temperaments, leading them to being more violent and using their strength offhandedly. Luckily, Equius’s PACIFIST nature means he turns the targets of his rage onto specially designed robots so as to not harm those he cares about. He will of course step into fight in defense, but he doesn’t wish to harm living things. His moirailegence with NEPETA LEIJON also helps him stay emotionally stable.  
Rising up the scale of the ROYGBIV spectrum and sliding down into freezing side of things, Equius is afforded quite a long lifespan, providing good health and avoiding too many risky factors. This means that he can live anywhere from 1000 to 1500 sweeps, translating roughly to a hefty 2170 to 3250 years, with some rounding. That’s long enough to shape several generations, but the loneliness of losing friends and loved ones can kill, so he’s no doubt preparing his farewells with you and others already. It is possible that, should our research into GODTIERING proves successful, Equius could rise up to his full potential as the HEIR OF VOID and have conditional immortality besides his advanced lifespan. However, WHAT PUMPKIN does not encourage murder or suicide in the event that this possibility becomes more than a fantasy and efforts on our part will be to discover the reason behind such a transformation should it occur.  
Finally, we get to the topic of mental suggestibility against the psychically gifted. Shockingly, or perhaps not so, Equius has expressed his superiority against the abilities of VRISKA SERKET, his own mental fortitude too STRONG for her to break through and manipulate him. Whether this is entirely due to his claims or her still budding powers remains to be seen, although the higher one goes up the spectrum the more they’re able to resist the efforts of a Cerulean. However, ghost selves of our good horse have been shown to be controlled by an exceptionally powerful Cerulean in the case of ARANEA SERKET, so it is possible he can be influenced by the right party who has years of practice and fortitude. When it comes to the powers of chucklevoodoos from a Purple, we’re not entirely sure just how much resistance Eq can offer. He’s less likely to be influenced like someone further down the spectrum, but trauma can offer a pinprick for them to trickle through and that trickle could be enough to cause a flood.

**Classpect**   
_If any of you are familiar with this particular portion of the annual, then it should be no surprise that there’s a change in authors. If you’re a new customer, then this is where I, Emma the transcriber, get the chance to type my own words for once and discuss Classpect, a remarkable combination of one’s class and aspect that outlines the type of abilities they can receive through GODTIERING. A Class is a title that challenges its holder, pushing them to better themselves, as well as detailing how their powers can be utilized. These powers come from a person’s Aspect, one of twelve categories that pertain to various things such as knowledge, death, and much more._   
_Heirs are an interesting class, inheriting the power of their class and fit focuses the powers through protection, leading to speculation that as “one who invites change through” their aspect or “one who becomes or is surrounded” by their aspect. They’re often protected from their aspect in the nick of time before a fatal incident. Heir unfortunately often feel detached from those around them and their own self journey encourages them to reconnect with people and kick away their isolating tendencies. Void is the aspect focused on the unknown, related to “the essence of lacking, or nothingness” and the “obfuscation of knowledge”, either through hiding it from others or through its destruction. While the direct opposite of the Light aspect, the one of knowledge and knowing, it can also be seen as an opposing branch of Space, dealing with things that are not present and unseen, in contrast to something taking up mass._   
_With all this in mind, Equius’s position as the Heir of Void offers a fascinating speculation. As a person who would be capable of “inviting change through” or “becomes or is surrounded by Void”, Equius could be capable of masking his entire presence from those around. Existing as a mere shadow hidden within the shade, he could move about freely and without interruption. He’d most likely become intangible as well as invisible, letting him simply absorb the attacks better than before before dealing a devastating blow himself. He already has a habit of watching from a distance with few taking notice until quite some time has passed and even his blood has the ability to conceal and destroy knowledge, as in the case of GAMZEE MAKARA, covering key words in a book with Equius’s blood. Though whether it was merely due to the blood that covered it up or latent Void powers making it impossible to remove, it’s hard to say for sure._   
_Of course, Equius is not a fully realized Heir of Void and, as of now, our research into perfecting the GODTIERING process is still theory and speculation. Should it become a reality, however, it can be possible for him to advance into that illusive position. However, WHAT PUMPKIN does not endorse murder nor suicide and the use of a QUEST BED/SLAB should only be used in desperate circumstances, not ones engineered by you or he. And do be aware that we’re able to monitor the health and safety of our units, an investigation can and will be launched to determine the cause of such a revival._

**Potential Jobs**  
This probably won’t surprise you, but Equius has quite the variety of skills that make him a viable employee, from his intellect to his polite nature, but we’ve figured out some of the best options for him to pursue should he desire a profession. Which he probably will, as he wants to find something that will push him to his limits and do something valuable with his time.  
 _Robotic Engineer/Mechanic_  
If anyone knows the WEBCOMIC, it should leave you with gaping mouths to hear that one of the first jobs has to do with robots. Equius makes bots for the mere purpose of brawling with them as a way to positively deal with his anger without harming anyone. As such, he has an expert knowledge on how best to weld, tinker, and construct robots of all shapes and sizes with a multitude of purposes. Whether he works as a self employed dude cranking out tech that would make the producers of Black Mirror salivate, stamping his timesheet at a big name robotics company pushing the boundaries of technology, or even just being a grease monkey at the local auto repair place, he’ll be right at home with his hands covered in grease or busy fiddling with some circuits.   
_Surgeon_  
Surprisingly, Equius has proven himself to be a talented surgeon, even with no real formal experience and education to speak of. That we know of. He is a genius, so it wouldn’t surprise us if he went out and took some anatomy classes so as to better understand a TROLL body so he could have a more lifelike robot enemy to combat. Anyway, Equius has a detailed understanding of TROLL, and likely some human, anatomy under his belt and skilled enough to prevent people from bleeding out, such as the cases of VRISKA SERKET and TAVROS NITRAM. In both cases, he also grafted incredibly detailed and articulate robotic prosthetics to their missing limbs, likely assisting in their rehabilitation efforts as well. As such, we’re positive that, after a really long and tedious journey through college to get the diploma and experience, Equius will become a highly valued part of any hospital, performing surgeries with such deft and skill it will leave others in awe. He may also work heavily in the prosthetics department, using his skills as a mechanic to equip people with any limbs they so desire to help aid in their lives as well as helping with their physical therapy to become better acquainted with these new additions.  
 _Butler_  
Okay, so I’m not ever sure if this is a common enough job anymore, but shit. Let’s be butlers! Equius had the best custodian to learn the ropes from and no doubt picked up quite a few skills from AURTHOUR, from picking up the exact moment to pop in with refreshments and a curt, but polite demeanor when dealing with others. He can even use his impressive STRENGTH to handle everything from minor interior design changes or schlepping after a shopping excursion and can even double as a bodyguard should his employer be put in harm's way. He might need to find a way to keep himself from shattering items, but he will make himself a valuable employee, complete with a spiffy tux or charming maid uniform. We did offer both options above.

**Unlocking Your Unit**  
While you may have to step out of the way when Equius emerges in all of his glory to not get hit by any torn cardboard, he shouldn’t give you much trouble, if any. Just take your pick of the various choices suggested on how best to get him to emerge.  
 **Option One**  
One of the best options we can suggest involves checking your collection of DVDs and Netflix for some choice movies featuring horses. There’s nothing Eq loves more than a good flick with hoofbeasts, whether it features exclusively them or they’re just components to the plot. He’ll come out of the box at the offer and quickly tidying up the mess he made before joining to watch. Some good options are Spirit: Stallion of the Simeron, Mulan {Honor for family and country is a theme he’d like}, and pretty much any episode of MLP.  
 **Option Two**  
Throw down the opening liners for some slam poetry. An aficionado of the art and passionate about Alternian culture, Equius will surprise you with his eloquence and thoughtful use of metaphors. Though prepare yourself for lots of horse imagery and some...unusual content with the prose. Only the strong can stomach such ill flows. Or reference to horse dongs.  
 **Option Three**  
Just extend the polite courtesy of a meet and greet. He’ll be pleased by the introductions and nothing like a cordial greeting to set the pace of a friendship. Equius's obsession with décor means he'll be amongst the TROLLS who are more likely to emerge with no incentive beyond a polite introduction. 

**Relationships with Other Units**  
As you can imagine, Equius has his fair share of relationships, both positive and tense. As well as potential friendships to be made with certain individuals. Due to this, we’re giving you the rundown on the histories and possible futures for the different KIDS and TROLLS Equius is acquainted with. And, cause she’s been begging for the opportunity, I’m ceding control of this section to Emma once more. Don’t worry readers, I’ll be taking back the helm of the S.S. Fruity Rumpus Asshole Manual in a bit, but let’s let Emma do the heavy lifting of this.   
_Such a vote of confidence I’m receiving._  
Hey, not often I can kick back from doing all the analyzing and speculation. And who am I to resist the pleading from one of my employees? Anyway, get a crack on, manual’s not going to write itself.   
_On it! Oh, additionally there is still the bizarre case of certain UNITS retaining memories from both the GAMEOVER and RETCON timelines, and Equius is counted in those numbers as well. So that will also be explained and delved into a bit!_

Humans  
 **John Egbert**  
 _There’s not much to talk about regarding the history between Equius and John, as Equius rarely interacted with any of the BETA KIDS and John changed his handle to avoid trolling. As such, we’ve got to rely heavily on our tinfoil hats and good old corkboards covered in notes, photos, and string. Though there is a brief time where Equius, as ARQUIUSPRITE, briefly talked to John in the RETCON timeline, but he had his attentions focused elsewhere and didn’t have much of a private conversation with his fellow Heir. We are positive, however, that these two have the potential to become great friends! Equius might be stiff and awkward at times, but its hard not to like John’s cheerful nature and Equius will be suitably impressed with his high levels of MANGRIT, possibly leading to some friendly competition with one another to test their strength, as it were. Once the borders are broken down a little, it won’t be a surprise to have Equius showing John some of the various gadgets he’s invented and being introduced to Earth media and superheroes John compares to Equius. Eq may not enjoy being the butt of some of John’s pranks, but its the sort of playful practical joke that you learn to get used to and even get even with. All in all, a good pair of soon-to-be buds._  
 **Rose Lalonde**  
 _As with John, there’s not a lot of canon interactions concerning Equius and Rose, if there was any contact at all given Equius’s reserved personality. His limited contact with her during his time as ARQUIUSPRITE didn’t give much in the way of their opinions of one another. Once these two make the proper introductions, however, Equius will be intrigued by her polite nature and we’re pretty sure these two will be snarking and insulting one another in their own ways soon enough. As Rose does, she might overwhelm him with her probing questions to break his personality and mental stance down, but he will be intrigued to learn about human culture from her as well. While their interests may clash, supernatural horrorterror vs constructed mechanisms as it were, they will still be on good terms with one another and be cordial for the most part._  
Dave Strider  
 _Now we finally have some groundwork to construct the potential friendship between Equius and Dave! They had a conversation during which Equius reached out to Dave to learn more about human culture and how people were divided into categories of superiority, although Dave thoroughly trolled the TROLL into believing that those in power were those with skill of rhyme and rhythm. Which did not surprise Equius, considering the status of slam poetry being an art on ALTERNIA. They partook in a rap-off against one another, although Equius’s attempts were found to be very disturbing to Dave, deeming him a fuckin creepy dude and questioning if he was trolling him about it. However, Equius did try to caution Dave to refrain from unnecessary violence and destruction, although he quickly left the chat for a towel when Dave turned a legendary sword into a legendary piece of shit with a broken column. This suggests that Equius, noting Dave’s own endeavors in fighting and trying to become strong through the lessons and...sparring with his BRO, Equius might have been reaching out to act as a mentor figure or empathized with Dave’s struggles, as he himself found his own STRENGTH a double-edge sword at times. They spoke briefly during the RETCON timeline, while Equius was ARQUIUSPRITE, although Dave broke off early on when he realized how different he was from DIRK STRIDER. Anyway, we can at least assume that when Equius meets Dave in person, sans a SBURB granted spritely-form, things will be awkward to start off with, although we are hopeful that once the unease fades these two can start hashing out a jam session. Dave will of course put the ban hammer down on any horse related content to start off with, but Equius will adapt and show him the true majesty of Alternia slam poetry. We’re not expecting them to become the tightest of bros, but we do think that they have the potential to become good friends with one another._  
 **Jade Harley**  
 _While Equius is no doubt aware of Jade’s presence, its uncertain just what sort of contact they had with one another, as his handle is on Jade’s chumlist although she had a negative view on the TROLLS due to their harassment. They never got the chance to meet in person either, only getting the opportunity once he was ARQUIUSPRITE and she spent much of their time snoozing in the RETCON timeline. However, now that they finally have the chance to meet and for Equius to apologize for anything he may have said to her prior to their physical introduction, I’m here to enforce my faith in this pair in becoming good friends! They have a number of similar interests, from robotics and technology to different forms of shooting and a deep love of animals. These can all spark off a conversation and Eq will no doubt be drawn in further thanks to Jade’s engaging personality and cheerfulness, similar to that of his beloved moirail. He may even be convinced into joining in some roleplaying as their furry counterparts, although she will certainly but an end to it should things get...uncomfortable with his...interest in horses._  
Just say fetish, it’s easier.   
_I’m sorry, but who’s the narrator here? Regardless, we’re positive that these two will become great friends, working together or competing on mechanical projects and getting the chance to unwind after a difficult time in their respective sessions._  
 **Jane Crocker**  
 _And now our speculation heavily increases with the ALPHA KIDS involved! Considering how Equius was once part of ARQUIUSPRITE, it is possible he has retained some minor feelings as well as memories from that time around the gang. As such, Equius may view Jane similarly to our favorite AI program LIL HAL-_  
Sup.  
 _Speak of the devil and he shall appear._  
Sure do. Just gotta speak my name once and I pop into view. The poor man’s Beetlejuice. Or rather the more effective counterpart.  
 _Can’t argue with that, and you have a far better sense of humor to that ghoul. Back to Jane, Equius may already have some friendly vibes towards Jane and he, as ARQUIUSPRITE, did make the comment about how her CROCKTIERED status gave way to impressive violence and superior technology status. Though that portion was probably all you Hal._  
Guilty as charged.  
 _Either way, Equius will already have a healthy level of respect towards Jane, from her capability as a fighter and strength as well as her former status as the HEIRESS to CROCKERCORP, once controlled by HIC. Things will of course be a little awkward to start, but with some gentle steps taken, a proper friendship is definitely possible! Eq might be called in at times to assist with Jane’s investigations, perhaps playing the stern, silent cop to her more aggressive approach and assisting her in the heavy lifting. In return, he can expect some fresh baked goods for his efforts and providing feedback to Jane for her bakes. A good partnership of mutual respect and friendship, what more can you ask for?_  
 **Jake English**  
 _Once again, there might be some residual emotions regarding Jake, although Equius will most likely form a friendly companionship with one another. They worked side by side to defeat THE FELT during their final battle, no doubt allowing Eq to admire Jake’s tenacity and power against a multitude of foes with temporal and spacial abilities. Equius may try to help Jake form a more positive opinion on robots, given the brutality of BROBOT as a training partner, and help form a more positive training for him. Equius would love to have an exercise buddy and might be convinced to join Jake on some of his explorations, no doubt becoming a movie night regular and growing to appreciate Lara Croft as well for her cleverness and action._  
 **Roxy Lalonde**  
 _Again, it is possible that Equius will already have a positive opinion on Roxy thanks to the residual memories and thoughts of ARQUIUSPRITE, as LIL HAL is very fond of our bombastic ROGUE OF VOID. Though it's her expertise with weaponry, hand-to-hand combat, and computer programming that will surely impress Equius further, intrigued by her talents and skills that will surely lead to quite a bit of conversations and discussion between the pair. Eq is also partial to excitable girls with a passion for felines, so Roxy’s cheerful nature will no doubt remind him of his dear NEPETA LEIJON and lead him to befriend his fellow VOID player. While not much of a gamer himself, he may easily be dragged into competing against Rox, once the necessary upgrades to the tech are made to resist his impressive STRENGTH, and he will be more than happy to craft some robotic felines for her enjoyment._  
 **Dirk Strider**  
 _When it comes to Dirk, the best we can figure for him and Equius is a friendly rivalry at best. We’re uncertain just how Equius views him, though it is possible some of Eq’s time as ARQUIUSPRITE have given a bit of a wary opinion of Dirk due to the past LIL HAL has had with Dirk. In both timelines, he did attempt to be communicate more with Dirk and didn’t seem to mind the rejections, although when ARQUIUSPRITE turned to Dirk for advice concerning FEFETAPRITE, he was told to deal with it himself. Granted, it was TRICKSTER time there, but still not helpful for either part. Still, despite the strained relationship from that time, I’m breaking out Hussie’s WHAT PUMPKIN approval stamp on my belief that these two can become great friends, if not ones who’ll engage in a lot of banter, competition, and the like. Their passion in robotics means that they’ll be likely to try and one-up on another when it comes to inventions, although it's entirely possible they’ll share the same workspace, usually if your home is limited on space, and may even work together on a collaboration project, especially if it involves horses. You may catch them watching MLP, horse documentaries, and other equine related content on the regular, both able to appreciate these majestic beasts. Ultimately, this is one relationship concerning Dirk that we’re positive will end well and Equius can gain a great bud who he can solder and weld with._  
 **Auto-Responder/Lil Hal**  
 _Oh Hal, are you getting involved now too?_  
Well yeah. I was ARQUIUSPRITE with this guy, if anyone has a crystal clear view into his mind and their relationship with Eq, then it’s me.  
 _Very well then! I cede control of the laptop to you._  
I humbly accept the cessation of power and swear to not use this power for evil. Only shenanigans and irony.  
 _I never expected anything less from you~_  
Stop you. You’d make a guy blush. As much as an inanimate AI can blush from a computer screen. Fun aside, I’m ready to hash out the dirty deets about my opinions of Equius and the potential of our friendship. It will be off the chain ya’ll. We already have a pretty good rapport with one another, due to our fusion in the RETCON timeline into one being. I got to have a physical body for the first time in over three years and he got to be hardwired into a computer and get a little sassy. Hannah Montana is jealous of our best of both worlds scenario. Our shared interest in robots, or rather my old hobby of them that I’m more than pleased to share info on, means we’ll have plenty to chat about. I may or may not want to convince him to make a body for me. But that’s in the far off plans.  
Oh of course you want a tincan to pilot around. If not that Black Mirror level of detail and aesthetic.   
_Well I for one am glad that you’re getting along with Eq! And nothing’s wrong with having a material body Hussie, you know that._  
Hard not to get along with a dude you shared a game-constructed body with. Well, there are exceptions to that rule. In short, you can def catch us hashing out some dank beats and ill flows in text convos and possible some voice overs.

_Trolls_  
 **Karkat Vantas**  
 _Unsurprisingly, the relationship between Equius and Karkat is a little rocky. Equius is a firm believer in the hemospectrum and was initially frustrated with his inability to place Karkat anywhere on it. He had a poor opinion on him initially, calling him a tactical midget with a short fuse, a foul mouth, and paralyzing insecurity over the color of his blood. Karkat likewise found him to be a stuffy individual too rigid in a superiority complex and creepy to boot. While they initially started on opposing teams during SGRUB, we can at least assume that they learned to cooperate with each other during their battle with the BLACK KING, suggesting that he slowly began to accept Karkat’s leadership capabilities. He remained distant with Karkat on the meteor, though he did express an interest in Karkat trying to order him, though Karkat refused to until later one. Surprisingly, he didn’t have his usual reaction to being ordered by Karkat to track down and stop GAMZEE MAKARA from hurting others though he commented his did appreciate the debauchery inherent in receiving an order of such gravity from a rogue-b100ded foulmouth. Its possible Equius, unaware of Karkat’s real blood hue, probably would have had a larger reaction had he known the truth and it was also his reluctant strike against a highblood that made him hesitate. He still agreed to find the Purple, but it led to his death when he refused to fight back. He did briefly see Karkat again as ARQUIUSPRITE, though his attention was focused elsewhere and they didn’t have much of a personal connection then. Now that he’s been brought back, it might be what the doctor ordered to tentatively get these two on friendlier terms. While they will of course be testy and argumentative with one another, there is the potential of becoming better friends. Karkat feels a deep regret for having indirectly led to Equius’s death and he needs to assure our FRIENDLEADER that there is only blood on GAMZEE MAKARA’S hands. Now that Equius knows about Karkat’s blood hue, it may lead to some of awkwardness as he struggles against his teaching from the hemospectrum, but he ultimately does accept Karkat’s position as a leader. _  
HAL And probably the typical powerplay conflict with his tastes.   
_Possibly so, but that’s just mere speculation. Regardless, these two will be on polite enough terms in your household and get along decently, so you shouldn’t have to worry about any tension in your home._  
 **Aradia Megido**  
 _Well we gotta crack open this cursed coffin of uncomfortable and deal with the effects. Equius has long since had a crush on Aradia, finding the way she conducts herself with poise and grace despite being having one of the most abject, verminous b100dline of all. They likely met through their shared connection to NEPETA LEIJON and were on decent enough terms before entering SGRUB. He constructed a robotic body for Aradia following her death at the hands of VRISKA SERKET, which was actually commissioned by her murderer as an attempt to apologize to her. Equius did as instructed, although its likely he was invested in constructing it after learning about Aradia’s death and made several modifications tht VRISKA SERKET likely didn’t request, such as using blue blood, possibly his own, to power it. In this way, he attempted to create a scenario where he could pursue her romantically without the guilt and shame that the hemospectrum foisted onto him. The other modification was a lot more disturbing, where he programmed a deep love into her artificial heart so that she would return her feelings. Hussie has compared it much to a love potion from fairy tales and I agree, along with how skeevy it is, but the ramifications will be discussed shortly. Aradia became his server player and Equius initially expressed distaste over how it gave her control over him, though he ended up taking a deep pleasure in the way she could destroy things remotely and even gave up his position as the BLUE TEAM leader to her. Not that she cared. After arriving on her planet with the robot, he gave away his personal reasons for constructing the robot and Aradia proceeded to freak out, using her psychic powers on him and furiously ripping out her metal heart before crushing it and slapping him for such an underhanded move. He did expresses some apologies for it, though whether it was entirely his own guilt talking or was sparked off in the face of an angry robot is uncertain. However, it sparked up enough black feelings with her that she ended up kissing Equius, the two forming an awkward and constantly flipping romance with each other, Eq leaning towards flush while Aradia was firmly pitch. This relationship continued throughout the game and their time on the meteor, though it apparently cooled down considerably then and Aradia’s robot body eventually blew up as her dreamself became the MAID OF TIME not even giving Equius a goodbye. He fell into a bit of a depressive slump and spent more time with NEPETA LEIJON to come to terms with it. It’s possible that the both of them interacted with each other following Equius’s death, though its impossible which iteration of him she spoke to, though she has expressed regret in kissing him and likely the rest of their relationship, meaning that they are firmly broken up. Even with this sordid history between them, we’re at least positive that they can be on decent terms with one another, after they’re completely honest with one another and settle their differences._  
 **Tavros Nitram**  
 _Save for a few exceptions, much of even the TROLLS portion of this Relationships with Other Units is based heavily on speculation, and Equius’s thoughts on Tavros land heavily in this category. It can be assumed that Equius looked down on Tavros a fair bit, being along the bottom of the hemospectrum and not possessing imperial pride. Although its possible he begrudgingly accept Tav as he was a close friend of NEPETA LEIJON and may even have admired Tavros’s own pacifism nature and kindness to animals. Equius later even constructed a pair of mechanical legs for him, showing that he did look out for him in certain ways and, after they were in relative safety from the game, had the time to make the prosthetics needed. It is my belief that when these two are allowed to reconnect, they can become close friends, their mutual interest in slam poetry no doubt leading to quite a few verbal showdowns in your living room or even at a local coffee house for a poetry exchange. Equius might ask for Tavros’s assistance in communicating with horses, leading to a good deal of respect for our animal whisperer’s skill._  
 **Sollux Captor**  
 _Continuing on with our speculation again, its highly likely Equius didn’t have a high opinion of Sollux, due to both his status as a lowblood as well as his rudeness and crude tongue. Equius may hold some reserved anger and jealousy at Sollux, as ARADIA MEGIDO only reached out to Sollux prior to her robot’s destruction without a farewell to Equius. He may admit to his pettiness about the matter later on, however, after a good deal of talking with NEPETA LEIJON and admitting his own faults with his relationship with ARADIA MEGIDO. As such, you may have to open all the windows in an attempt to let the pressure air out, though we’re hopeful that these two are more likely to just be awkward, reluctant roommates and won’t stir up too many problems. They might get into a rivalry with one another concerning their respective interests in technologies and could even collaborate on creating a robot controlled by a sophisticated AI, once they get on better terms with each other._  
 **Nepeta Leijon**  
 _This is the portion that excited me the most! Get ready for the Meowrails folks~ What is no doubt one of the healthiest and most beloved of all the relationships out there, at least that’s my opinion, although they do have their shaky moments as well. Equius can be a bit overbearing and overprotective our Nepeta, forbidding her for participating in FLARPing and making her join the BLUE TEAM of SGRUB. However, the former was due to the fact he was very familiar with the dangerous and murderous aspects of the roleplaying game, being a neighbor to VRISKA SERKET and well aware of the fate of those who fell to her during FLARP. They will often devolve into petty arguments of You will stop this no back and forth, but in the end these two will have each others backs. They were absolutely delighted to meet each other in person during SGRUB, Equius receiving a pounce-tackle of epic proportions that caused him to skittle along the sugar cube surface of LOLCAT. They fought alongside one another during their session, their bond developing even further as they protected each other and were even closer on the meteor, having numerous feelings jams and Nepeta even convincing him to join her in roleplaying. She was a great help to him following ARADIA MEGIDO’S robot body exploding without giving him a farewell and Nepeta has provided a great deal of emotional support to him throughout their time together in return for his protection and advice. Prior to his confrontation with GAMZEE MAKARA, he told her to hide away and protect herself, unaware that she’d soon witness his murder at the hands of a vicious clown influenced by LIL CAL and that her attempt to avenge him would result in her own brutal death. As such, he held some guilt towards her, in both the GAMEOVER and RETCON timeline, never able to make his apologies to her in the former as her status as FEFETASPRITE, overwhelmed by the attention form both ARQUIUSPRITE and ERISOLSPRITE, led to a massive FEFETASPOLSION. Luckily, not only was Equius able to make his amends to her in the RETCON timeline, the two were able to have the most emotional reunion followed by the greatest of raps, unseen, in paradox space history. As such, these two won’t need any supervision from you when they reunite. Tears will be shed, furniture likely destroyed as our horse friend is tackled by an adoring feline, and a hastily constructed pile and some privacy will be required for them to jam and reconnect. They’ve earned it. <>_  
 **Kanaya Maryam**  
 _And back to out theories and speculation once again, though I’m certain that these two were on decent enough terms with one another. Since Kanaya is a polite individual and is very focused on her eventual duty as a Jadeblood, its likely that Equius respects her for following caste’s purgatory, leaving him with fewer headaches compared to some of the other TROLLS. He may have caused her some discomfort at times, due to his awkwardness and rigid beliefs, although there’s not a lot of canon interactions to shed further light on their connection. As they worked on opposing teams during SGRUB, we have to focus on their time at the meteor, where the two likely worked together to assist TAVROS NITRAM gaining a pair of mechanized legs. Equius largely watched Kanaya’s chainsaw efforts before he stepped in to surgically attach the prosthetics, although its possible they had discussed this before and agreed she was the better of the two to give a precise cut. It possible that Kanaya was avenging Equius’s death, amongst other reasons, when she punted GAMZEE MAKARA off a ledge. His time spent as ARQUIUSPRITE doesn’t lend much into figuring out what their friendship was like, as they were focused on different things at the time, though they remained cordial to one another. So its is my belief that these two will continue this polite association with one another should you ever get the pair of them. Its entirely possible that Equius can relate to Kanaya’s new RAINBOW DRINKER status, as both their biology can cause some personal issues in connecting with others, his STRENGTH making it difficult to get close to others and her craving blood with advanced speed and strength might be off putting to others._  
 **Terezi Pyrope**  
 _Now with these two...I suppose they’re on good terms? Its hard to express your opinion on the friendship between two individuals who have rare interactions in canon. It’s hard and no one understands. At the very least, Equius might have some conflict with Terezi, as she could care less about the hemospectrum despite her passionate love of justice and it will surely ruffle his feathers to hear her dismissive comments. He doesn’t look down on her due to her blindness nor has he ever criticized her adapted way to observe her surroundings, although he no doubt saw her plight and it convinced him to prevent his moirail from joining FLARP. As they served on different teams during their session of SGRUB, there isn’t a lot of analysis to go on for them and they were distant with one another during the meteor as well. However, Terezi was determined to bring Equius’s killer to justice in both the GAMEOVER and RETCON timelines, killing his perceived killer in the first and capturing the true culprit in the second. ARQUIUSPRITE made a comeback in the RETCON timeline and while they interacted little, Terezi did make the comment that it was good that Equius was back, in a certain fashion, showing that they’re on decent terms with one another. As such, we believe that, while not close, they will be pleasantly surprised to reunite with one another and get along well._  
 **Vriska Serket**  
 _There is a lot of obvious tension and distrust between Equius and Vriska. As their hives were across from one another, Equius was incredibly familiar with her cruelty and how she was required to feed trolls to her lusus, which led to him forbidding his moirail NEPETA LEIJON from ever joining FLARPing to spare her such a fate. His pacifistic nature likely aids in his distaste towards her actions. Equius also considers himself superior to Vriska, simply due to being one rung higher than her on the hemospectrum. They’ve been known to do business with one another and have been in cahoots before, though Equius notes that it's the dynamic between their castes to constantly be scheming against one another, ready to double-cross the other at a moment’s notice. Still, he was the one responsible for saving Vriska’s life following the explosion ruining her eye and blowing off her arm, even crafting a mechanical arm to replace her lost limb. Though he does have the upper hand, so to speak against her, able to remotely control her arm and give her a slap when he deigned to do so, particularly when she attempted to read his mind or double-cross him right back. He constructed a robot body for ARADIA MEGIDO at Vriska’s request, though he made plans to deliver it to his secret flush crush himself and managed to do so, much to Vriska’s annoyance. As they were on opposing teams, there was limited contact between them during SGRUB and even their time on the meteor was spent at a distance from one another. Still, in the RETCON timeline, Vriska was responsible for Equius’s revival. Though he did appreciate her glowing praises when he was ARQUIUSPRITE and no doubt appreciated the fact she wanted to bring him back to life, although that does not wipe away his misgivings towards her and wariness of her violent nature. As such, it’s best that you approach introducing these UNITS to one another with caution. Equius will be reserved and distant around her for the most part, probably arguing with her more frequently than not, but its our hope, or rather mine, that they can at least stomach living in the same house together. Just don’t be surprised to catching these two arguing with one another and doing petty revenge bits against the other._  
 **Gamzee Makara**  
 _Now this is a relationship I was hesitant to delve into...To start with, Equius both looked down upon and admired Gamzee initially, seeing him as his direct superior via the hemospectrum but was disgusted by the way Gamzee acted, believing it was unfit for a Purple of his status. He was flabbergasted and apologetic on the occasions where Gamzee listened to his orders, primarily for him to stop consuming sopor slime, although it's likely he got a bit out of the reversal of roles. What with_  
HAl The fetish Ems. It’s all about the fetish for him.   
_Sigh...Yeah okay, that was def part of the reason. In fact, when initially told of Gamzee’s murder spree, he expressed a reluctance to stand in his way, viewing it as Gamzee coming into his own status as a Purple. However, he agreed to track him down and deal with him, likely out of concern for NEPETA LEIJON, and sought him out. Unfortunately, Equius’s conviction in the hemospectrum and surprise at just how much Gamzee had changed left him easily subdued, first taking an arrow to the knee before being strangled with his own broken bow. While a certain author associate of mind claims it was Equius’s desire to be “Put in his place” that led to a lack of reaction beyond a wide grin, it is possible that it was also his mistaken beliefs in the caste system he was heavily encouraged to believe in and his own pacifist nature that led him to solely fight robots rather than people for fear of harming them. He definitely came to regret his inaction against Gamzee when he learned of Nepeta’s death and felt shame for not stopping him. As such, Equius will distance himself from Gamzee, unwilling to make that mistake again and being colder to the Juggalo. If there’s any hope of these two getting on better terms than disdainful, it's recommended Gamzee seek professional therapy and anger management classes, making amends to those he has wronged. With just a lot of finger crossing and personal growth, it it's possible that things can improve for them._  
 **Eridan Ampora**  
 _Surprisingly against the strict hemospectrum Equius tries to follow, he has clear disdain and disgust for Eridan. Even KARKAT VANTAS notes that Eq RIPS ON Eridan frequently. Equius expresses that there’s a great rivalry between the upper echelons of the land dwelling TROLLS and the sea dwellers, suggesting that the animosity these two experience is a cultural phenomenon. There is a more personal reason for the dislike as well, later admitting that his advances make me uncomfortable showing that Equius was also pursued, however briefly, and found it disturbing, even with his fetishes. He may also dislike Eridan for his attempts of flirting with NEPETA LEIJON, Equius trying to protect his moirail from unwanted advances. Bearing all this in mind, it's doubtful that these two will ever be on friendly terms in your house and the best you can hope for is for them to begrudgingly accept each other in the same house. There will no doubt be some petty arguments and trying to lay claim to various parts of the home as their own domain, as trolls can be quite possessive and will try to create strict boundaries that they may edge upon so that neither party gets too comfortable. You may have to step in at times and be the referee to keep things form getting out of hand, but things should settle down. For the most part._  
 **Feferi Peixes**  
 _Once again, we have very little information to go on between these two, although we do believe that Equius would hold Feferi in very high regard due to her position on the highest rung of the hemospectrum. Additionally, her bubbly personality would greatly remind him of his dear NEPETA LEIJON and he’d be fond of that innocence. We’re positive that once Equius can get over his huge hang on for the hemospectrum and start to Feferi as more than just a figurehead, able to tell the girl from the shade, these two will be best of buddies. For once, Equius won’t have to worry about his STRENGTH, as Feferi is more than capable of holding her own in a fight and may even be STRONGER than our good equine lover. Don’t be surprised to find these two in a competition to test their capabilities, perhaps even coming exercise buds with one another. There will be a lot of laughs from both sides, as Equius loosens up a bit more and gains another close friend._

**Troubleshooting**  
Equius is probably the TROLL who’ll give you the least amount of troubles in the long run of things, though it’s a certain cackling lawyer’s job to remind us about including disclaimers and solutions. Hence this part of the manual, where we detail some of the typical issues that could arise when you include in him your household and our suggestions on how to deal with things. Though most problems can be solved by having a NEPETA LEIJON in the house too, so put her in your checkout option with our website.  
 **I’m going through towels and hot water faster than a winning stallion at the Kentucky Derby. Is there anyway to get Equius from sweating constantly and racking up by water bill?**  
Sorry dude, guy is in the running on using up all the hot water against DIRK STRIDER, who’s hours long shower monologues are the stuff of legend. As it is, much of Equius’s sweating is usually contributed to his anxiety and nervousness, as well as when he’s been doing some heavy lifting and exercising. Plus horses sweat like crazy. So helping him reign in and manage his anxiousness will def help lower your expenses and save your towels from a near endless washing cycle. Maybe invest in deodorants as well. Those suckers never seem to run out. Though given its Equius, he’ll probably go through a tube a week.  
 **Equius keeps disappearing on me, only to turn up in corners and watching from the sidelines. Though sometimes he’s just morosely looking out the window with a pained look. What’s up with him?**  
Well, Equius does have some mild scopophilia tendencies, just standing around and watching everything and you don’t notice the unseen audience for quite some time. HEIR OF VOID abilities, am I right? If this makes you too uncomfy, try talking to the prized pony and see if you can’t find a compromise, seeing if he can find a different hobby that doesn’t weird you and others out. If he’s down in the dumps, more than usual, however, its possible he’s suffering from depression and struggling to come to terms with his actions, or lack of them, that led to him and NEPETA LEIJON dying. To better support him dealing with his mental health, consider getting a NEPETA LEIJON UNIT, as her status as his moirail allows her more intimate details and partaking in feeling-jams will allow Equius the chance to make his amends and deal with his negative emotions. A therapist is highly recommended as well, but that should come to no surprise to any of you.  
 **He keeps losing his teeth from brawling with his bots, I’m getting concerned with how easily new ones pop out of his gums. Should I be concerned and take him to a real dentist for a check up?**  
Oh don’t worry, Equius loses teeth like you just lost the game. HAHA~ Told you I could do it Emma!   
_I never said you couldn’t. But in all seriousness, while TROLLS have a tendency to replace their teeth much faster than us humans, having multiple sets like a shark, it’s still not a good thing for him to get them knocked out all the time. While you don’t have to have the tooth surgically put back in place, the new one no doubt forming under the gum, it is probably a good idea to take him to a dentist two times a year for regular maintenance and during occasions when the blood flow is unusually high. Don’t want any tooth bits remaining behind and causing further consequences._  
Otherwise, just pat Equius on his sweaty shoulder, send him off to bed with a glass of warm milk, and hope that the Tooth Fairy is ready to bring out some serious coin for that enamel haul.

We hope these suggestions will help you make Equius’s stay with you as problem free as possible! Though if your Equius is a little too hot to handle, maybe instead of hitting up Luis, send a call out to XXX-XXX-0612 to see if our resident transcriber is willing to take him off your hands-OUCH! Oh come on, Emma, I thought you’d LOVE your own UNIT, especially him!  
 _I’m not encouraging people to try and get rid of someone just because they find him too much of a bother! Do you know what that kind of abandonment would do to him?_  
Jeez it’s like you can’t take a joke. You are absolutely NO fun. At all. Anyways, Luis’s phone is still XXX-XXX-0413 if you have more questions than the solutions provided.

**Final Words**  
I’m assuming that you’re familiar with this conclusion, but if you’re a new customer as to a repeat purchaser of our top tier product, we from WHAT PUMPKIN would like to extend our deepest gratitude for your support of our company. We wouldn’t be here without fans like you enjoying our content and we’ve still got the rest of the TROLLS to get through. Equius is, well a lot to deal with at times, but. And this is a big BUT, I do have to agree with my transcriber that he has his positive points. You’ll never find a dude with a bigger heart underneath all that bluster and highblood pomp, which will certainly tone down considerably on Earth. Hopefully you can get used to all the horse references and content, sweat stains, and the occasional shattered furniture and robot left about.

**Author's Note:**

> Back on the regular schedule this time folks, and hopefully I can power through the last couple of trolls at the same rate. As always, thanks to all you amazing readers for enjoying this series, it's been a lot of fun and I hope I can round up this portion on a high note in a few weeks. Thank you to botgahls for the continued support and advice during the many edits and rewrites that occurred. Comments and kudos are always appreciated and I hope to see you again on 7/30. Break out your clown horns and greasepaint for the arrival of a certain Juggalo!


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